Mommy Guilt

Does it ever end?

While I was working, I was sure it would all be better if I didn't work. Each day I walked out that door my heart broke a little more. Then LB started crying when I left. Then the tears to my heart grew larger. While I was at work, I struggled to concentrate. I drove back and forth with a commute that totaled 4 hours a day. AT LEAST and I was on the edge of my seat EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to shave every minute I could so I could get home to be with her.

Now I am home.

The guilt doesn't stop! WHY?! That's not fair, if you ask me. Now it's just different. I worry if I am losing myself. Will I lose my worth? What do I say when people ask me if I work? Will I have the abilty to be the strong woman I want my children to see me as? How will I explain this to them? I don't have my own money anymore. CAN/Should I spend $5 on a shirt from Target? Date Night? You mean I should pay for a sitter when I don't work? I need to clean the house alllll day; but I need to play with my kids alllll day. They need to craft and art, read and sing.. and I have to grow their food, and sew them handmade clothes, playdates, more playdates, doctors appointments, more playdates - because I am home now.

See. Doesn't stop.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a battle we can't win. There are so many moms out there torturing themselves with these same thoughts and its not fair. But how do you change it? Is it even something you can change? 

Don't even get me started on what Pinterest does to me. It. Makes. Me. NUTS! I love it and hate it. It's great when I want it to be. But then I get swamped with the ideas and pictures and projects - Oh My! So overwhelmed by the overachievers. I forget that they only post what looks good not what life is really like. I would be happy if I knew they were sitting in their 2 day old funk from not showering (wait - what?) and feeding their kids chicken nuggets while they blogged. I am sure it happens. At least thats what they will be doing in my mind from here on out.

There are many articles hot on the wires these days about this very topic. I had to post something to join the noise mostly because I am still trying to sort through my own thoughts. I want to cure it. I want to be secure in my place in our home. For the most part, I am. I am getting better, at least. It's hard to adjust to such a big change. I have worked since I was 15! Often times 2 jobs at a time while I was a full time student. It's odd for me to be in one place all day. Not the mother part. I got that! And I am GOOD at it, if I do say so myself. It's the not working outside the home that is different for me.

On another note, guilt aside, I have never felt so whole in my life. I am exhausted but happier than ever. That's gotta count for something.

I think these smiles help.





Until next time...
Shona


Comments

  1. Your new header picture...I LOVE it!!! And yes, we all feel that guilt. As women we feel we need to be able to do it all, when we shouldn't. As for you being happy and feeling whole...That counts for a lot!! That says that for right now, you are right where you should be :)

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