Isn't that a song? Everything Changes... I can hear the verse in my head but no tune. HA! There are many voices in my head at any given moment though so it could easily be made up.
What's changed for me? HA again. Only my WHOLE WORLD! When I talked about how my perceptoin of Down syndrome had changed in my last post, it got me to thinkin. Not only has my perception of what Ds is, entails and will be to my life, well, my perception of many things has changed. I guess its what "they" will call growing up. Which I am still not sure I signed up for. Just kidding... a little bit.
Yea, I will admit that I was pretty upset and freaked out about Ds. I didn't know what to expect. Fear of the unknown, yada, yada. Fo sho! In the end, I now have a daughter that lights up my world and gives the best hugs anyone can ask for. But I also didn't expect to be sitting her typing this while my 2 beautiful daughters are cuddling warming in their rooms - not beds, long story - and my 3rd daughter is kindly kicking my kidneys. Oh, and also while I am no longer a "career mom" or feel mentally sound most days.
You see, I guess I kinda did ask for "all of this." On numerous occaisions. I remember my long commutes into the city were filled with daydreaming about being a SAHM, blogger and Ds Advocate. That was my greener pastures! I pleaded to my friends/co-workers at lunch about how much it would mean to me if I could JUST be a SAHM, teach some pilates and blog about life. I wanted it oh-so-bad.
And everything changes. Now here I sit. With all of those opportunities under my belt and at my feet.
Ya know what? This pasture ain't so greener!
Let my give you a few reasons why.....
First and foremost - not having an income that is earned by myself is probably one of the most challenging things I have ever experienced. I don't like it and it's VERY hard to get used to. So if anyone wants to give me a job that I would LOVE to do, while being at home with my kids, that would be stellar. Bring it.
Second, I am 8.5 months preggo - that ain't good for nobody in arms reach of me right now. My hormones are RAGING and my anxiety is at an all time high. I cry one minute and want to throw punches the next. My poor kids and husband don't know which one they will get at any given time. My feelings aren't just hurt easily, they are splattered on my face. I am really getting on my own nerves!
Third - I am pretty certain that Pinterest is the devil. A close second is Facebook because the amount of time and energy they get from me should be illegal. But they are my zone-out moments and I am very grateful for them to exist.
Fourth, you can't sit someone like me in a house and expect them to be still. Its really a torture mechanism. I mean it's like the dirt and fingerprints are attacking me and I don't have the energy to clean as I wish I could, nor could I keep up with the constant mess making my adorable toddlers care to besiege upon me daily. It's like I am in quiksand and they are pushing my head down as they laugh, cry or do both at the same time. I am the kind of person that rearranges often. Often enough for my husband to want to tie me to a chair. And not in the kinky kinda way. So being here ALL THE TIME and not being able to do what I want to do.like move furniture, tear down walls, paint the stairs..only partially kidding about that list..welll it makes me ARGH! When I worked, it was my reason for not being able to do it. Now that reason is gone.
Fifth - Elimination of said income really dampers the activities budget and doesn't allow much time for this momma to be pampered or relieved as one would wish. Hence, I am here ALL THE TIME. Sorry, did I already mention that? Read between the lines, I have no money to pay a sitter and no money to do anything if we could pay her. This ain't no TV SAHM gig. I think I was given rose colored glasses!
Sixth - this is FULL time. I never thought I would have such little time after doing nothing. And by nothing, I mean everything. Just to keep this ship a-sailin, I have to focus on a routine. If I don't, all hell breaks loose and this momma gets emotional. Refer to the second complaint of this post if this doesn't sink in at first. Seriously, most days I feel like I have done nothing by 5 pm yet I am exhausted from re-doing everything that I did before nap time. There has to be a better way and these cleaning lists on Pinterest just aren't cuttin it!
Seven - Pilates. I can barely even spell it anymore. I haven't even been to a class since I was about 6 months preggo - WITH LB! That was OVER 3 years ago. I vow to make this a priortiy once I am healed from baby 3 - but until then.. guess it's best to not stress about this one. I have only a few more months of excuses to validate my laziness.
Eighth - then there's that whole Advocating thing. I do this. A lot. I really do. I mean I ran the entire walk for our local DSA this year so that has to get me SOME points somewhere. I am also a DS Ambassador - yet haven't done too much with that one. I still could do a better job here.
Ninth- Being a SAHM. With social media being so rampid and popular now, is being a SAHM ever going to be enough? I mean, technically, that's my title. The abbreviated version. Really, I am ON ALL THE TIME. I never leave my job. I don't get bathroom breaks. I can't even 'go' anymore without an audience. To the point now that my 2yo tells me Good Job Momma when I am finished doing my business. I eat leftover PB&J's. My mental stimulation is when Elmo asks me what the word of the day is. It's just a lot for any one person to handle. Luckily I have a husband that is more than amazing and helps me so much more than I could ask for. But when you are the chef, the driver, the maid, the teacher, the comforter, the nurse, the ALL OF THE ABOVE and always on call, it can be more than overwhelming.
Tenth reason everything changes, the Mommy Guilt. When I worked in the city, I felt like I was too far from my lil one. The commute alone sucked the life from me. Being at my job was fine most days. But adding in the 20+ hours I spent traveling to and from, was just too much. But there wasn't a happy medium. I could do one or the other. Of course I chose the other - being with my little ones. Because while at work, I felt like I was allowing someone else to do what I WANTED to do. Someone else got to raise my babies. Someone else got to snuggle her to sleep every day. My guilt went from I can't to I should. Someone else did all that I now do. NOW, I still feel guilty. I am here so I SHOULD be feeding them healthy and nutritious meals. I SHOULD be limiting TV and doing countless activities. My house SHOULD be spotless. Mommy guilt doesn't EVER end, it just changes. Now it's a different kind of guilt. When will it ever go away?
My biggest guilt is that I feel guilty at all. When, technically, I asked for all of this. Now I think to myself, maybe, just maybe, that commute wasn't so bad. Those meetings weren't either. Maybe my kids did better without me around all the time. Maybe, I am doing more harm than good by being here ALL THE TIME. Will I find ME again? Will my kids respect me as a mother again? Will they ever stop seeing me sad and depressed?
Its a journey. I get that. But MAN, it's a rough one. I am on year 2 of this transition now and I am still battling my emotions and how to make it all work. Until then... I shall share my heart out with other Momma's dealing with the same struggles and write about these in my blog until it's taken down for being a sad clown! HA!
Until next time..